Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Friday, December 18, 2015

Eating disorders

Eating disorders are tricky.
Why does everyone believe you have to be super skinny to be considered to have an eating disorder? Eating disorders come in all shapes, forms, sizes, etc. There are so many different types and symptoms and ways that can hurt you- maybe even kill you. So before you judge somebody about being too big to have an eating disorder, remember that. Disordered eating has sooo many characteristics. 
Binging, purging, restricting, diet pills, laxatives, the list goes on. 
You may not know someone has an eating disorder but you may notice signs and symptoms.
Like eating alone, or never wanting to eat out, making excuses so they don't have to eat out, hiding food. That list goes on and on as well.
Today I was afraid I wouldn't be allowed inpatient because I weigh a lot. But they wanted me inpatient because my eating disorder symptoms were so bad. I just made the choice to detach not think about it and walk away. Losing an opportunity that would help me. But after the holidays I may reconsider and go and get that help because I do want to get better. I'm tired of my eating disorder.

Thursday, December 10, 2015


I Yesterday at court it all went well. Still have to be in the court ordered program though. Have my next court date in March. Had a hard time with self harm and had to get stitches later that night.
Lately I feel really attached to my case workers. I only get attached to people I'm afraid I'm going to lose. They reassure me their not going anywhere but I'm still scared. I feel like I can't get through the day without seeing my case workers and that's really bad. I can't see them everyday and it's hard. It really is. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything feels like a struggle lately.


Friday, December 4, 2015

New doctor

So I signed off the paperwork today to have my chart faxed to another doctor that will be seeing me now. No more pediatrics. I'm 22, I stayed that long. I'm sure as heck going to miss everyone. I went there for my ED for three years every month. It's going to be different but I hope I like my new doctor as much as I liked this one.

Thursday, December 3, 2015


I don't care about anything except cutting myself.
I don't care if I lose my family who I am losing slowly.
My boyfriend, whom I already lost.
Therapy programs that won't accept.
Housing opportunities that won't accept.
I only care about myself.
That one cut.
That one cut that turns into two cuts, that turns into three and four. 
The stitches, the staples, the doctors, the nurses. 
I don't care, because that is how I get by.
I am sorry. 

Mother type role

I feel like I have been looking for somebody in my life to be filled in as a "mother" type role.
I have had people in my life provide that for me, but only for a short time. Once they notice they can't fully help me they turn around and leave. I think that's what hurts the most. It's only happened to me three times but three times was enough. Yes, I have a mother, but I don't feel like she provides what I need. Perhaps nobody will be able to provide what I need, because I don't even know exactly what it is.
I get attached to people too often. Then when they aren't around I feel lonely and lost.
But anyone with BPD knows how this goes. And if you don't have it, or don't know how this feels, lucky for you.

Monday, November 30, 2015

I'm back

It's been a tough couple of weeks. I was hospitalized for a week. Still don't feel right. I was discharged to live at my dads house but now I'm back at my moms house. My case workers are working on finding me housing on my own. My eating disorder is bothering me the most right now, I'm just not happy with my weight. But my self harm urges are also still there too. I wish it would all just go away but I know it's not that easy. 
Tomorrow I go for an intake for another program and I hope I will like it and just stick it through.
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